4th of July Fireworks Photos: 2016!


First, it’s with a heavy, magnesium-laden heart I bring some possibly serious news: this might be my final fireworks packaging post!?

Why? Why would this happen? I retire not due to a long-expected running-out of material — every year I think there won’t be anything worth photographing and every year I’m proven wrong — but rather, because of johnny law.

“It’s the Last Year for Personal Fireworks in Vancouver” explains:

This is the last year residents in Vancouver will be allowed to buy and use fireworks – and the last year for less than law abiding Oregonians who cross the Columbia River to purchase fireworks you can’t buy in Portland. Last year, the Vancouver City Council passed an ordinance banning the personal use of any fireworks, including sparklers. They also banned the sale of fireworks in city limits.

Including sparklers!!!

Of course, Portland should still continue to sell the more common, less-lethal fireworks you can get in the grocery store — you know, the fancy fountains, the pop-its, the whistling pete’s.

(A little tip about whistling pete’s: flip ’em upside down and stick ’em in the holes in sewer grates for a good smoke/light show and cool effect-filtered freaky whistle.)

But when it comes to insane, amazing fireworks packaging, nothing beats the big.

It’s not my place to pass judgement on the shriveled up, Raisinet-like hearts of the Vancouver City Council — I know they have their reasons, such as maybe owning dogs, having explosion-sensitive hearing aids, or something about a high chance of fire danger and personal injury to children something something — but I just wanted to let you know…

This could be it. So let’s go.

Here are some photos of firework packaging in 2016.

(If you’d like to enjoy the previous nine (!) years in this rich and ridiculous tradition, here you go: 20072008200920102011 and then 201220132014, and 2015.)

Before We Begin…

Fire up iTunes or Spotify or Tidal or whatever and let’s start a…


…because this year there was a fresh crop of:

More Exciting Movie Sequels!!


Increased Chance of a ‘Hamilton’ Firework Next Year


Zany Animal Hijinx


The Italian Army


The First-Ever Font-Based Firework


A Cool Anime Aesthetic


Reese’s Roller Coaster Tycoon


Finally An Answer to That Question, I Guess




Mobile Phones

IMG_3126IMG_3052(Wow they’re getting five bars on that nightmare skull tube, that’s good for Sprint!)

Everyone’s Favorite


Exploding Affirmation


This 😒😒😒


More Booze


Some Now-Legal Recreationals


And More


The Most Painful Commentary Almost Certainly Delivered By a Vastly Underpaid Fireworks Packaging Graphic Designer Somewhere in China



And Finally… Honesty


Thank you all for joining me another year.

I hope you have a wonderful 4th of July!

11 responses to “4th of July Fireworks Photos: 2016!”

  1. I don’t think I’m prepared to endure a world without Cabel’s annual survey of fireworks:(

    (also if you warehoused any Neighbor Hater hmu)

  2. The “Truck Yeah” graphic is what the Chinese unfairly must think of us. That’s only a third of us or so!

  3. I would have bought a dozen “Chicken Blowing Ballon” on name alone!

    Hope you find a way to do this again next year.

  4. Well why doesn’t Vancouver WA just cancel the 4th of July? They made it so you have to be in the park to see them & now no more firework sales?

  5. So firework sales are illegal in the City of Vancouver … But aren’t those giant fireworks stands up in the Hazel Dell / Salmon Creek area that’s just unincorporated Clark county? Or did they annex that since I left for California a few years back?

  6. I thought one year (or more?) you had some videos of you actually lighting some. Surely you must have bought some and filmed the fireballs, explosions and whizbangers?!

  7. It’s been a while since this was posted, but I figured I should mention….

    Years ago, in the aftermath of the (second) cancellation of Mystery Science Theater 3000, many of the crew of Best Brains banded together to make a short-lived comedy webzine called TimmyBigHands. It is very forgotten now, although a little of it can be found on the Internet Archive. One of their many silly recurring features was a comic strip made entirely out of clip art from Corel’s clip art collection call, natch, “The Cliparts.” It starred a cartoon couple from the collection that had a number of particular pieces of art made of them. The (unnamed?) package with the boozy couple above, I think it’s them, Mr. and Mrs. Clipart!

    SIncerely, the only person in the world who remembers TimmyBigHands.

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